Thinking
I've really been enjoying my mornings this week, as I've gotten into the habit of sitting on the couch with the best blanket in the world- SO soft, thanks mom- and a cup of Half n Half with a little bit of coffee, then diving into my Beth Moore study on the Patriarchs- encountering the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Regarding these "quiet times" as mini-vacations has blessed me in a way I never expected. The last study I started, I decided I wanted to make a commitment to daily spend time waiting for God, listening, pursuing Him. At the time that I did that, I recalled how a high school mentor of mine, Stephanie, used to always have a coffee cooler during our Bible studies. She came to them as though it were a joy and privilege and not something to be obeyed or performed. So in the past few months, I began doing the same thing; always sitting down when the kids were settled in front of a movie or sleeping, and always taking a drink or snack with me, depending on the time of day...usually coffee or a coffee cooler. The coffee is merely a reminder to me. A symbol of what this sacred time's meant for: rest and peace. God is showing me that approaching Him in this way is in keeping with Him; with who He is, and with what He wants to give us. Yes, He wants our obedience, and yes He wants us to love Him...but where is the fuel for such actions if we aren't first receiving Love from a bottomless Source?
What a joke for me to commit to pursuing God. Sounds lofty, doesn't it? But my flesh is no more likely to pursue God than Hagar's was. But it was God who found Hagar. He pursued her. She wasn't pursuing, she was running...and that's my natural tendency, too. (Gen. 16: 7-14)
You see, the past 6 months of my life have been chock-full of this resounding theme as God has entirely re-written my original mission statement: God is forever desiring to demonstrate His love for me- for us. For a while I was praying to love Him more, but very clearly and gently, through the channel of His Truth, and my grandfather, Jack, and through other channels that have taken all forms, God's been telling me what He really desires, is for me to receive His love. He desires for me to let Him love me with the same passivity of sitting beneath the rays of the sun. The obedience and returned love flows only out of what we've received. Hence, as was promised to father Abraham, those blessed become a blessing. (Gen. 12: 2)
The burden and yoke are meant to be easy and light (Matt. 11: 30 and Gal. 5: 1), so it's safe to conclude that if we're feeling burdened, it's because we're carrying too much of our lives on our own backs... if I'm feeling drained, it's because I'm trying to run an engine on an empty tank...if I'm dissatisfied, it's because I'm manipulating instead of waiting. In fact, just this morning I read Beth's sentence,
What you have to manipulate to get is rarely yours to keep.
She felt God laid that sentence on her heart, and I found myself thinking back over my own experiences after reading it. Even the things I've manipulated into getting and had the option to keep left me dissatisfied. How many times have I worked against myself, much like this dog? Sometimes our biggest enemy is...us, or at least part of us. (By the way, I can't help but think of Mark 9:43 when I watch this dog.)
I emailed this same link to my father-in-law and he replied that that was him on any given Monday. I told him not to sweat it because that was me most days of the week, and with a kid usually gnawing on my other ankle. But the truth is that God is slowly bringing me, my father-in-law, Tim, and anyone who is willing to wait for Him to demonstrate His love, away from our self-destructive tendencies, transforming us into something much better.
How much more peace is there to be had in waiting for God? How much better is what God gives over what we go after and arrange for ourselves? How much better is custom-made than altered-to-fit?
Just now Evan was whining to me while I was writing this, saying he was hungry. I asked him if instead of whining he could say, "mommy I'm really hungry and I can't wait, will you help me?" He said, "mommy I'm really hungry and I can't wait- so what I need you to do IS..." I've just shared a laugh with God over that one!
How many times have I said that same thing; I really need this and I can't wait, so what I need You to do IS...and if You withhold it from me, I will just have to go and make it happen on my timing and get it for myself, instead of: will You help me, are You going to help me? I will wait for you, but just show me that You see me and recognize my needs.
Now the plain truth is that God's parenting makes mine look downright dysfunctional, but I can tell you that I would never want to put off Evan's hunger, and if I hate the idea of putting of his, how much more does God hate putting of mine? The only time I ever put off Evan's hunger was to break him of bad eating habits, for his greater good. We can trust that if God is holding off an immediate answer to our need it is because He has our greater good in mind.
More and more, in this corner of my soul and that, God is exposing my tendencies towards legalism. Little by little, and sometimes leap by leap, I am learning the same Truth I learned years ago- the Truth that healed me from an eating disorder in high school; by His grace alone and not by my merit or effort. By His love, and not by keeping to laws and rules. Even the seemingly innocent efforts towards attaining a relationship with Him- reading Scripture and going to church and praying- even those can be attempts to manipulate a relationship into being instead of delighting in the presence of the God who is, if they come out of a heart centered on "doing" rather than "receiving"...receiving ALL good things from Him, the great "I Am." (Isa. 57: 12, Rom. 4: 2, Rom. 9: 12, Rom. 9: 32, Eph. 2: 8-10)
May the only question any of us ask Him on a daily basis be, will You demonstrate Your love for me? May we be still enough to hear. He did it on the cross and He is perched and ready to do it again, always swift to answer this question. He may not give other answers so readily, but He has never been slow to answer this particular question. He doesn't let the sun go down before answering it for me. Praise Him for being a God who loves individuals, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and not just God, Creator. Bless His name forever.
