I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this song.  This is a song God has used to speak to me numerous times over the past year or so.  (Plus, Aaron Shust who sings/wrote it looks like he could be cast as any male Bible character you might name.) 

It's been a season of sifting for me.  I was in need of some serious discipline for the sake of being strengthened.  When I went to the Beth Moore conference three things really stood out to me:

1) Christianity is not for wimps.  We can't be convinced we're wimps!

2) It's suppose to be a chase.  The Lord leads, we follow and He calls, "come on, come on, keep running" and every now and then He turns around and we run smack into His chest!  But it would be a mistake to think we can stay there like that and go fetal on Him- soon it's back to running because...

3)  We were apprehended by Him because He has things/people/hearts specifically placed in our path for us to apprehend for Him.

Phew.

So back to the discipline.  I felt oppressed by the enemy, (with a tiny little e because that's how small he is in comparison to our God,) for the sake of discipline.  The Lord clearly wants to weed out some doubt that much needed weeding.  And I welcome the Lord's discipline- I don't enjoy it, but I choose to welcome it. 

I was thinking about that this morning- how you know when you're acting spoiled as a kid, when you're in need of some discipline.  And I was thinking of all the good, good things the Lord has given me and done for me and how spoiled and forgetful and ungrateful I can live... 'Lord, why do you spoil me,' I thought.  Then I realized He does and He doesn't. 

He lavishes me with love and good things, but He certainly disciplines me as well- what else has He been doing this season of doubt and questions??  

And when I get to the bottom of the barrel of questions and things I can't understand these lyrics are always where I land.  It's almost as if I'll drive here or there and think and think and then on cue, when I'm at rock bottom, He plays this over the radio for me:

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands One who is my Savior

My Savior. Picture Mel Gibson dying in Braveheart to fight for freedom.  Then make Him Christ.  Then make yourself the girl (or guy) He's dying for...  wait, I guess you could picture him in The Passion of the Christ and that might make more sense... I'm real smart and inna-lectu-wall like that.  (And this is getting complicated, let's move on...)

I often find myself using repetition to get things to sink into the thick skulls that are my children's.  (And I say that with love, of course,) as the Lord works much the same with me, using repetition as a crow bar to pry open my thick skull.  He has repeated to me for months that I am not skilled to understand, but that He died for me and so how could He ever be anything but just and merciful and compassionate, not to mention passionate?  This world is not the happy ending, HELLO, Katie... the cross was the climax in the story but! we haven't reached the resolution this side of Heaven-  it's still to come, hallelujah!  (And hard to believe.) 

Still, the words wouldn't stay in my brain!  It was like they were written in washable marker and the first tragic thing I heard would wash it right away... till a week ago, when my pastor was talking about Jesus healing a blind man and how the only thing the Pharisees were worried about was not the desperate, hurting blind man, but their own theologies and theories. They asked, "Who sinned that this man is blind, him or his parents?"  And that really struck a chord with me, convicted me.  I saw myself in them:  Forget the baby who I just heard about on the radio, who was stolen from the hospital, (who You will return safely to his parents in less than thirty minutes,) forget any prayer I might pray over him- what I want to know is what these parents did to deserve this panic and how can I trust You when You let these things happen?  

Then our pastor quoted Spurgeon and that was like the seal on the letter: I would rather have one ounce of help than one pound of theory.

It was as if the Lord Himself said it to me, would you not rather have an ounce of my compassion and help than an entire TON of understanding, Katie?  Would you rather offer people your theories or your help in the name of Love?  And my heart cried out, "yes, Lord! Yes!!  Let me surrender the understanding, tell me where I can help carry Your love in this broken place!" 

That was the missing piece in my wrestle all these months, I think.  All my, oh, I'm such a saint because I am so burdened for these hurting people, and why are You so long suffering, Lord moments were really about me and my trust issues- not the hurting people I knew.  I mean, maybe it started as being about the girl in the headline, but then it became personal, festered, and turned to doubt. 

Certainly it's okay to ask the Lord why.  To be saddened and burdened for the things that burden Him.  But when it turns into this need to understand, it's time to surrender. 

Lord, let this last week's thoughts be the permanent marker I need so that we can leave this season behind. I know only You say when we can leave it, not me, and I thank You for it.  Thank You, Jesus- hallelujah and Amen to all You are, and to Your patience with a sinner like me!     

Aaron Shust's website quotes him as saying, “God reveals His existence and divinity so much that we have no excuse for not believing in Him. He whispers in the wind and shouts in the waves that He loves us and hears us.” 

AMEN?!