It has been an emotional few days.  To say the least.  And I feel like I just wrote this yesterday.

It started with a letter from his teacher.  It was sweet and all, but nothing in it made me cry- it was just the sight of it.  The fact that I was opening a letter from his kindergarten teacher.  I had the same experience when I looked at the cafeteria menu.  The tension built on this night when we went to his Open House.  These were taken with my camera phone because I forgot my camera.  Thank goodness for technology or I might've missed these confused scowls and this balding parking lot.  Phew.

But the reason I took these are because of his backpack.  LOOK at that backpack on him.  That is nothing big or fancy, it's a standard sized backpack from Target.

He's the oldest in his class, and the smallest.  This is his fake smile at its best.

We had to clear up that he would not be teaching the class.  Just kidding.  He knew that.  He just liked the teacher's chair.  It gave him an ego trip.

This is his desk, front and center.  Actually, no.  Just center and center.  He is in the middle of the middle row.  Perfect for someone who has trouble paying attention and likes to make his own way.  I'm just saying.  If I knew a certain 5 year old who was like that.

His teacher told him his number should be easy to remember because it rhymed with his name.  He liked that.  He found that to be very thoughtful of her.

These are the frantic parents, desperately trying to figure out how to fit entire packs of pencils, markers, and crayons in one supply box as though they were being timed.

This is Shaun making a weird face and Jack laughing because Shaun's making a weird face.

This is what "Little Shaun" did.  That's a cookie in his hand.  He licked the icing out and handed us the rest- all done.  He did that with about 6 cookies.  What?  Who cares, it kept him quiet.

This is Madalyn on the way to get ice cream afterwards.  She is demonstrating how NOT to wear your seatbelt straps.  

So all was fine and we felt good about things.  Especially Evan.  He spent his weekend counting down the minutes until he would go.  This morning he woke up at about 5:45 and came in our room talking to himself, "today I get to go."  He was so excited reminding us of this that his whole body would clench and his voice would get shaky whenever he got to the name of his school... "today I get to go to..." shake, clench, voice cracks...      

It was funny to look back on my preschool post because he was excited about the playground then, and still excited about yet another new playground this morning.  This is what he looked like at about 7:20 this morning, when the whole family took him to school to walk him in and drop him off...

But let's back up a minute.  To last night, when I had a complete and total nervous breakdown.  And I didn't even see it comin'! 

I had had a nap Sunday afternoon, so I was wide awake when we were trying to fall asleep that night.  I feel sad.  I feel lonely.  I feel nostalgic.  Why can't I shake that feeling?  I said to Shaun.  I can usually pull myself out of the funk or ask Someone else to pull me out, but I can't seem to shake it.

Well, sending your firstborn to kindergarten is a big deal.

It hadn't even occurred to me that perhaps that was the trigger.  As soon as the sentence left his mouth, though, I was bawling.  Not tearing up, not sniffling, BAWLING. 

And that was the way I fell asleep; remembering that scene from Father of the Bride when he replays all his daughters milestones leading up to that day while Today I Met the Boy I'm Going to Marry serenades all his nostalgic emotions.  I mean, talk about NOT helping.  I was picturing his wedding day, I was re-living his birth and his toddlerhood.  I was a WRECK.  A complete and total MESS.  A mell of a hess, and seriously concerned about whether I would ever survive graduation... college... marriage... menopause... 

Because it's all about me.

Actually, that was what snapped me out of it this morning.  When I realized it wasn't about me and I was fixating on my emotions and not his. 

As I watched him in all his excitement, rush to his desk, go through his school supplies again, observe the other students and start following suit... I realized he would be just fine. 

Fake smile and all.

And if he was fine, I could be fine, too.

(Gosh, though.  I still can't look at these right here without tearing up again.) 

It's not that he's in school and I will miss him during the day, per say. 

It's that he's gotten SO BIG.  He is so big.

And he is so kind-hearted.  He is so naive and pure.  Not in a cheesy way, in a wholesome, refreshing way.  I know that sounds biased, but mother or not, I am insisting, he's just a good kid- a good person.  And I am better for knowing him.

So we left him, were the last parents in the room, (yes, my teacher-friends, we were those parents,) and went to a boo hoo brunch.  Then we said bye to daddy.  When we drove away from campus Madalyn said to me, "I'm sad, mommy.  I miss Evan."

"Me, too, baby," I said.

Then we pulled ourselves together and went to Target, where we ran into two other moms we had just seen.  Ahh, Target.  The meeting grounds for moms everywhere.  It's like the modern day choice prairie for hunting and gathering. 

Then we had Madalyn's preschool Open House- this is her in her spot at the table.

I can't believe I have to take her to Kindergarten next year!  AHHH.  One thing at a time.

This is her with Ms. Jan and Mrs. Larra.  Below is Mrs. Christine.  Jan and Christine were Evan's teachers last year and Larra is the director of the preschool.  I have come to really appreciate these people!  They have been true blessings. 

Evan told Madalyn earlier in the weekend, "Madalyn, you're really going to like Ms. Jan, you know why?  Because she has your favorite kind of hair.  It's light white and curly.  Like wavy.  Isn't that your favorite kind of hair?"

Madalyn nodded emphatically like she had certainly shared this preference with him before.

Now, Madalyn had seen them before, nearly every day when we picked up Evan.  She talked Mrs. Christine's EAR OFF.  Mrs. Christine was most charmed by her, and went out of her way to engage her.  She loved Madalyn's view on fashion and why she chose this particular outfit this particular day and all the things she was thinking about in that moment.  I'm sure they will enjoy each other this year, especially seeing as how the class dropped from like 12 students last year when Evan was in it, to FIVE this year, including Madalyn.  Which is awesome because they will get lots of one and one.  There are four girls- she knows them all from last year- and one boy.  Poor boy.

This is not him.  This is her first love (well, after her daddy and Evan and Jack.)  Meet Andrew.

I believe I wrote about him long ago, here.

Madalyn and Andrew have a special thing.  They get downright giddy and flirty around each other.  They dream about each other, actual dreams, yes.  And they have asked to go on dates.  Madalyn asked just this weekend, "Can I go to a restaurant sometime?  At night?  With Andrew?"  You should SEE the eyes she makes at this boy.  I am glad she picked a good one.  Yes, maybe we should be concerned... but his parents are golden, so instead we are taking pictures and planning their wedding slideshow.  Very appropriate of us, I think. 

Don't you just love what his shirt says?  HA!

So after she had a moment with the Big Man on Campus, we headed to Chuck E Cheese with her little girlfriends in her class.  It was really fun for her, and for me to get to know their moms better, even though I saw them all year last year.

Before we knew it we were headed back to get Evan.

When he got in the car he teased me and pretended like he wasn't going to tell me anything about his day.

But I already knew a little because we had arrived early enough to see him not come off the playground when his teacher called and she didn't notice and almost left him!  I bit my lip and waited to try and not interfere.  He finally realized and ran over to the gate and said, "hey!"  And she spun around and I could tell- felt terrible- KNOWING I was watching.  THEN she did a head count.  She won't make that mistake again.

Neither will Goofy Grin.  I hope.

So, when he finally quit teasing me, the first two things he told me- and everyone else who called him to chat about his day later that afternoon- were that his teacher almost left him on the playground, and that there was a girl in his class named, Charlie, and wasn't that ridiculous because that was a boys' name!

And then I tickle-tortured him till he told me more. 

And that was one therapeutic tickle session.  Boy, was I glad to see him.      

It was all pretty anti-climatic, though, as Hurricane Fey has put a big cancellation cloud over tomorrow.  It's like we're on a Monopoly board.  Stop, Go, stop! Can we just get these new changes going, already?  Because I think everyone is going to have a great year.

Labels: bittersweet, boys will be boys, dumbhead parenting, Evan, Madalyn, milestones, nostalgia, parenthood, parenting, pics, school, siblings

This was my slip when I was little.  I had no idea how to pose like this when I was little.  I was too innocent and pure and naive.

Just kidding.  She totally gets that from me.  I'm a poser.

My mom has pictures of me in this slip and I am quite brown from the summer sun like she is.  Okay, okay, she's red because I didn't reapply her sunscreen.  But normally she's more brown than I ever am or was. 

I wish I had those old photographs to post with these.  Mine were done in front of a mirror in a studio, though, with the white hazy effect of the 80's, and I kind of hope to imitate those some day. 

But "some day's" tend to never come.

Comparing our personalities is much like comparing our photographs, though.  She's not completely like me.  She is and she isn't. 

She can make friends with a lamp post, (and in fact, she made friends with a little girl not even in our group this trip and spent an entire day with her,) but she's not nearly as sensitive as I was when I was little.  She's hard to offend or upset, which means if someone hurts her feelings it makes me MAD.  Because it takes a lot to hurt her. 

She's tough, and sassy...  saucy.  She's saucy.  I like that word.  I learned it when I read Wuthering Heights in high school.  It might be one of my favorite words, and I'm so glad I have a daughter who fits it.

My Aunt Carolyn described her as having a "coy" way about her, which would be another completely perfect description.

(She looks a lot like my baby pictures in this particular one, don't you think, mom?  Nana?) 

She's more girly than I was, though.  I secretly hated pink, and matching mother-daughter clothes, and just clothes in general.  I preferred water-skiing and bike-riding, though I did love my baby dolls.  L-O-V-E-D my doll babies.  They went with me everywhere.  But I preferred THEM to wear the frilly pink things, not me.

She loves pink.  L-O-V-E-S pink.  And doesn't really care for baby dolls for more than five minutes at a time.  She would rather mother her stuffed animals.  She prefers the frilly clothes to be on her, not on her toys.  She is attracted to anything sparkly, shiny, glittery, flashy, fancy, much like a Barracuda.  She recently told me she didn't want to wear a particular outfit because it wasn't "fancy enough." 

On this beach trip, case in point, we had to make her wear a t-shirt the last day because she was getting too red ( don't pretend you didn't notice.)  The t-shirt offered by a friend was a Batman one.  She was NOT okay with this- I repeat- NOT okay.  She threw the biggest, most unexpected fit I've ever witnessed out of her.  When I asked what was so terribly wrong she told me the t-shirt hurt her feelings.  I asked her how on earth a shirt could hurt someone's feelings.  She said, "because it doesn't appreciate me." 

Actually it was more like- becuzz it duzzent uhhh-priiii-shaa-aate meeee- ah-ho-hee-hee-hee....  (face crumpled in distraught.)

In adult terms: it ain't flattering.

And she does say some funny, funny things.  I am sad to have forgotten a lot of them already.  Yesterday, though, she said while hanging from the handle of a grocery cart upside down and thinking it was hard work, "WHOA, I can't handle this!!"  To which Jack parroted, "WHOA- I can't HANDLE this!"

She says sweet, thoughtful things, too.  She tells me I'm her best friend in all the world.  She tells me I look so very beautiful when I SO don't.  She says I'm her sister.  AMEN!  We are sisters, girl!  We certainly are.

She used to tell me she loved me soooo strong, but she's old enough to know that's not how people say it anymore.  And that makes me want to cry.

She asked me the other day if God could ever die and be gone.  Could he be run over by a car? 

We talked it over some and I realized that what she was essentially asking me was whether or not we could ever be separated from God, and was this something she should worry about?  The Lord brought two of the few verses I have hidden away in my heart to mind- Psalm 139-

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
       the night will shine like the day,
       for darkness is as light to you.

and:

38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8

(Of course I paraphrased these verses to meet her understanding.)  Then I asked her if God answered her question.  She nodded.  I said, "where did he answer your question,"  (thinking she might say the Bible, His word,) but instead she pointed to her heart. 

I couldn't have understood it,  nor expressed it better myself.

But back to that saucy thing.

She likes to shake her "bon-bon."  Like her teacher taught her.  At PRESCHOOL.

Please tell me how I'm supposed to refrain from laughing.  Oh, I don't even try.  No, in fact, I ASK her to do this, though in these pictures, and quite often, she doesn't require any asking. 

She shakes it freely.  

Like her mother, Shaun would say... to the pizza man... when the kids run to the door naked. 

Labels: beach, Madalyn, national lampoon family vacations, parenthood, photography, pics, sugar and spice, summer

Well, either he's brave, or just plain senseless, (and you know which one we're all leaning towards,) but he DOES resemble William Wallace from the movie, does he not?

Can you guess what he gone and done?

No, not a sunburn.

Lipstick, that's right.  You're good. 

From my makeup drawer.

Have I mentioned that he likes my makeup drawer?    

Not an ounce of remorse, tsk, tsk...  ohhhhhhhh, there would've been remorse alright if I'd known then (when I took these pictures,) what I know now... which is that he didn't leave this artwork to the porch, but also on my bedspread, my shower door, my closet wall, and the bedroom carpet.  You know how they say lipstick is one of those things you can't get out?  One of those true stains?  Well, "they" are telling the truth.

That poor bed of ours has had quite a week.  More on that another day.

Labels: boys will be boys, dumbhead parenting, here comes trouble, humor, Jack, parenthood, parenting, phases, pics, pictures

Doo, doo, doo, doodoo, doo, doo, doo-

Today was the first day I haven't worked in I think about, oh, a year and a half.  Yes, that sounds accurate.  And we made the most of it.  We were going to play with all our new bubble contraptions and swim but it rained and poured and looked like 8pm all day outside, so instead we switched gears and had a baking day.  We made Kentucky Butter Cake, Banana Bread, and Pimento Cheese.  I cooked more today than I have in... oh, about a year and a half. 

Yes, that sounds accurate.

I also did laundry.  And cleaned up pee.  And played Barbie Dolls. 

My mom found Madalyn a photographer Barbie, complete with three children, a camera, and backdrops.  So basically, I did work today.  Only I photographed 3 inch plastic babies with a fake 1/2 inch camera and there are no pictures to edit.

Shaun's boss is sick in the hospital and he has taken on a heavy workload which means late nights, so the kids and I had a light dinner followed by Kentucky Butter Cake. Then they performed a complete Cinderella production for me in the living room. Charlie and I sat on a pillow and clapped like it was the most impressive acting we'd ever seen.  (Well I clapped, and he gnawed at my hands thinking it was a game meant for him,) but even with the gnawing, it's nice to have the warmth of a dog in your lap, like sitting by a warm fire.  Makes a house a home.

Then we read books in bed while Charlie barked because he wanted to be ON the bed right there with us.  He couldn't believe we wouldn't include him in the reading of The Best Nest, (it's his favorite.)  And it was such a perfect little evening.  We were the perfect family for a few hours.  But soon it was time for lights out, for Evan to go to his own room to sleep... for all hell to break loose... 

He and Madalyn have been sleeping in her bed together ALL summer.  It's exciting, you know, like Christmas Eve.  Well, I didn't want them to get too used to it (lest they forget how to sleep alone,) so last night I said they needed to have a night in their own beds.  Evan got all genius-manipulative on me, (as you've heard me lament about before.)  He asked me if I wanted him to be happy or mad because my decision would dictate his behavior and I had the power to make him happy... to which I replied: I don't care what you are so long as you obey me. 

But he kept at it and cried himself to sleep.  (That was last night.)

Tonight it was the same song, second verse.  He was "crying himself to sleep" when I took the dog out for his nightly romp in the grass.  It was dark and misty (rainy day here, remember,) and it was kind of an eery night.  About the time this observation registered in my mind, a sharp finger poked me in the back like a knife.  I turned abruptly to see Evan standing there, ready to go at it again.

Come on buddy, les go!  BRING IT!  (My brain has to put on her boxing gloves and jump back and forth, right and left, to get warmed up for the fight ahead or else I lose all cool and resort to "because I said so," which, for the record, I find nothing wrong with, but I feel like I have to get these moments with him mastered now or else high school is going to be something freaky for us all.)  EX-HALE....

"You scared me!  What are you doing out of your bed?  You're in trouble."  (I'm very good at stating the obvious.)

"Do you want me to cry all night?  See, it's going to be like last night.  I told you.  You just need to let me go in Madalyn's room and I will be so good you won't believe it.  I'm scared.  I'm alone."

"No.  Absolutely not.  You are not the parent.  You do not set the rules.  You are trying to parent me and you are out of line."  (I am reminding myself of this just as much as him... a pep talk, an I think I can, I think I can parenting moment.)

"Fine!  That's it.  Fine, because you know what I'm gonna do,"  (stomping to his room in front of me,) "I'm just going to throw a penny in the wishing well and wish you were a kid."  I hate for it to come to this, but you leave me no other choice.

"That's fine, Evan," I said casually, and letting down my guard knowing I was now winning the battle.

"Fine?  Why is that fine?"

"Because wishing wells aren't real."

"They're not?  Are you sure?"

"Yep."

"What about the one at the mall with all the pennies."

"Not real.  Just pretend."

"It is?"

"Yep."

(BIG SIGH OF EXASPERATION.)

"Well, I will not go to bed nicely till you let me sleep in Madalyn's room."

"Well, then you will never sleep in Madalyn's room again."

"I won't?"

"No.  Not until you can go to bed by yourself, nicely."

"I think I am SO ANGRY."

"That's okay.  You can be angry, but you can't be disrespectful.  You can be angry, but you have to obey me."

And then I tucked him into bed, hugged his tear-stained face and body while he sobbed and tried to catch his breath like a defeated solider who had fought long and hard.

It's hard to be angry with him when I hear myself in the whole conversation, a rebellious child refusing to listen to her Father.  It's also hard to be mad when every time I think of the wishing well statement, I suppress a laugh.  I am smiling right now as I type this, and I was laughing at it when I sat down to write this post:  Fine!  That's it.  Fine, I'm just going to throw a penny in the wishing well and wish you were a kid.  Because that WOULD END THIS THING- AND YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE WISHING WELL- I WIN- HOO-AH!

And wouldn't that be nice, indeed?  There are certainly people I've encountered who I would love to wish away on a penny.  One in particular right now.  Where do we humans get SUCH a sense of entitlement?  Could you answer that for me? 

Just that one question... and I will be so good you won't believe it...

Labels: conversation, dumbhead parenting, Evan, parenthood, parenting, phases, siblings

Today was a full day. All of Spring Break will be full, actually... gotta keep the rascals busy.

We started the morning at the park with friends, then we came home for naps/work. Then we took a swim in the pool and began to think towards dinner and soccer practice, which was when I remembered it was my day to pray and took 5 at the computer to write an email prayer.

BIG MISTAKE. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. I completely forgot that I can't do anything but children when said children are awake, OR ELSE BAD THINGS HAPPEN:

And see the STUPIDEST part of the above was that I spoon-fed them the idea. Oh, you heard me.

Shaun and I were being stupid with them on the couch, and I tried to scare them with Evan's safety scissors, making snip noises around their heads... and Shaun said, "what are you doing?" But before he even said it I thought, 'what am I DOING?' Like one of those moments when your hands are still moving even though your brain is saying stop, stop, FOR THE LOVE OF SOFT BLONDE HAIR, STOOOOOOP!!!

I think I just wrote stupid and stop like five times each, didn't I? Well, if this were Sesame Street those would be the adjectives of the day. Okay, so stop isn't an adjective (but Sesame Street doesn't do more than letters anyway,) oh just STOP talking, Katie...

She looks okay with the bow though, right? LOOK CLOSER! Just to the right of the bow... and notice how high up the bow is, because her hair is THAT SHORT NOW. What, you can't see it?

Maybe you can see here? No?

Well how about HERE:

Gave herself a nice set of bangs, she did. Was very upset with herself, actually. (This shot taken after the melt-down.) Thinks she looks like Jacky, and I'm not gonna disagree with her, although she also resembles a page boy, or maybe one of those child actresses from an 80's sitcom, the way it goes back to her ear and all.

So while we had a long talk, she and I, and panicked a bit, Jack was still in the shower where I had left him... right? Right? RIGHT?

Wrong.

"Jack... Jacky? Where are you?"

Oh, there you are.

I'm so glad you brought your car. What's a mud bath without a car? Come to think of it, what's anything without a car? What's life without a car? Life with no cars would have no meaning- meaningless, all meaningless!

"CAWWWRRR!!!" (Your favoritest word in all the world.)

Hmmm, you still have no idea I'm standing behind you with a camera. You are having yourself a PAR-TAY, aren't ya now, boy?

Oh and look at that, you've been baking. And eating. No need to think towards dinner now, at least there's that.

What's that? I can't hear you, what with all that mud in your mouth and everything? What are you asking me? Do I know the muffin man?

PS- PEOPLE! I am NOT pregnant, are you CRAZY? Although, thank you for the many emails (and phone calls.) I think this post explains WHY I have closed my womb for business... and after today's events, you all should be sending me extra birth control ASAP.

Labels: boys will be boys, dumbhead parenting, here comes trouble, Jack, Madalyn, parenthood, parenting, pics

Labels: Jack, parenthood, siblings

Labels: family, kids, parenthood, siblings