I forgot how working on a baby book helps me to really soak in the moment, these fleeting days of childhood in our house.  I think this is the only complaint I have ever really had about the photography business- I hate that it competes with my time to work on my own babies' memories.  I feel like I'm missing the moment because I live it and it's gone... no savoring, no pausing, no sighing, no breathing it in and out.  It's over.  Keep running.

I'm working on Jack's baby book since I am through with shoots till January.  I can't tell you how I am enjoying it.  It makes me cry and smile all at once.

All the details flood back so vividly; what he smelled like, what his skin felt like... the soft fuzz and the scent of eternity.

I can't believe we're about to do it all again.

I remember sitting there in the hospital when everyone else had gone home- even Shaun, to change and shower.  I remember thinking, even whispering, "I am so glad we did this again."  And the thought crossed my mind- is this really the last time I'll ever sit here in this unreal moment?  And if so- how do I soak it up enough that it stays with me always? 

And so, that's what I'm still working on now... another baby may come, but that doesn't replace what's already been.  Each one so unique, so sacred.  I'm soaking it up and letting it have its bittersweet way with me.  I wouldn't trade that humid July 3rd night for all the world.  I wouldn't trade tonight- reliving him- for all the world. 

      

But I wouldn't go back, either.  I like who he is today too much to leave. 

Labels: baby, birthdays, bittersweet, parenthood, parenting, photography, pics, pictures

Okay, I'm not gonna lie.  Starting Kindergarten has been rough.  Maybe that's because I didn't expect it to be.  I expected it to be like Preschool, and it's not.

Like when Shaun ended up in the middle school drop-off line and a teacher left Evan standing in the POURING RAIN of Fay without any direction... like when Shaun looked in his rearview mirror and saw him chasing the car, crying, with his arms stretched out and running his duck-footed run.  That wasn't like preschool.  Not at all.

Nor was it like preschool when Shaun got out of the car to console him and the pitiful excuse of a teacher manning the car-line led Evan away by the hand, scolding him while he sobbed his way to class.

In preschool, there was no early dismissal day of the week.  It was always the same time.

Which is why when he was in preschool, his pitiful excuse of a mother never forgot what time to pick him up.

He never cried because all the children had been picked up except for him- never felt that moment of panic and isolation, when he couldn't see his white car anywhere.

At preschool there was no such thing as "extended care" with unfamiliar teachers and students.  In preschool, someone he knew would've sat with him till they found me.

But he's a big boy now and preschool is far behind him. 

No more fire drills by manual whistle blows.

He's onto the real thing, with flashing blue lights and screaming sirens. 

The other kids cried.

But not him, because he's a big boy now.  He saves the tears for bigger issues.  Like abandonment.  

Labels: beach, bittersweet, dumbhead parenting, Evan, milestones, pics, summer

Okay, look.  I know this might be the most BORING post you've ever read (or skimmed... or just closed altogether,) but this is for me.  This is me archiving the pieces of paper that have sat in my office for an entire year, collecting dust and fading.  This is only one one-thousandth of the papers that circulate around my car, house, and Evan's desk in one year.  These are my favorites that have now been put into a Tupperware container.  So, if you're a better friend than I deserve, humor me and let's enter the gallery-

This is the cast of The Little Mermaid, by Evan.  (I guess I should preface this by saying ALL of these were completely done on his own without prompting.  He spends much of his quiet times "creating.")

This is the cast of Peter Pan.  These were both done about a year ago, actually. 

This is a beach scene.  His babysitter drew something similar and he copied her really well.  He copied her over and over again, actually, until he had it perfectly matched.

Fruit Salad, by Evan

The United States, by Evan

Evan, Madalyn, and Jack, by Evan

And then it was really weird to start finding papers with writing on them all over the house:

Days of the week.

"Vanilla, Pink Ice Cream, Chocolate"

"Sun, Spider web, Grass, Sky."

Months of the Year.

Shapes of the states of our country.      

Clocks.  When he taught himself how to tell time.  I think he might be bored in K-5 as this is the lesson on page 90 in his math book... he gets this hunger to learn from his father, by the way.  I remember my dad taking the clock off the wall where we lived in Augusta, GA, and I wanted to run and hide under my bed.  I remember thinking, 'okay, I almost get this, I am close, I can feel it... but I ain't there yet...'       

Pictures of him with his siblings and how much they love each other is a favorite topic of his...

He even made a catechism book:

"God loves me.  God loves all of the people."

"Adam and Eve both..."  I can't make out the rest, I think it was something about listening (or not listening) to God.  Then the pink paper: "I love God, do you?"

"God made the whole world."

When we got back from Universal Studios last December, I found the following papers in his room.  Let's play a game, try to guess what they say.  I'll give you a hint- they are activities or rides we did at Universal, we'll start with the easier ones:

1 2 

3     4

5 6 

7 8

9

1) Shrek4D 2)ET 3)Lunch 4)Cat in the Hat 5)Barney and Evan (character sighting) 6) Carousel 7) Sponge Bob 8) Water Ride 9) Dinner

This explained to me why he pronounced things the way he did.

Now the papers I find around the house look more like this:

"Please, I really, really, really can cook!  Just trust me!"

And the drawings I find are lately of Spongebob characters like Patrick here:

And he draws a mean Sponge Bob, I can't believe I forgot to take a Sponge Bob picture.

He also makes lots of charts and maps and such (I'm not always sure what they are):

My best guess on this would be a map.  To church or school?  Or maybe Jerusalem... from the temple to the cross...

This is definitely a recipe.  Although I'm not sure what the color code is about, I will have to ask him.

This is most likely a board game.

This is a sequence of events of how he wants his day to unfold after school, he wants friends to get in the car and come over.

Okay, I know, you need an intermission if you're still with me... we're winding down now... I'm to the end of the year papers...

This is what Madalyn brought home the last day of Mom's Morning Out last year.

Evan's teachers made him a whole year book... these are the teachers from the post below.

Yep... somebody needed a haircut.  What?  It grows REALLY fast, don't look at me like that.

His teacher made that quilt and prayed over her students while she worked on it.  :(  So sweet.

All the kids had fun signing their autographs in each other's books. :)

This is a sample of what his homework assignments looked like.

This is what they looked like when we lost the official paper and I made my own lines for him.  I got an N in handwriting in first grade and thought I was going to die.  I haven't improved much since then, so why on earth would you think I could draw a straight line?

See how he wrote "bumblebee?"  I'm not sure if this means he's Dyslexic or just really bright?  Don't answer that.

His teacher gave his picture a caption after asking him what the dots were on this assignment.

He liked to make notes for all his classmates.  They all did this and left notes in cubbies.  They thought they were sooooo cool.

On the first day of school last year he told me about a boy who has lots of dots on his face.  I told him those were freckles.  You can imagine that I nearly died when I walked into his room after his quiet time and found pictures of every classmate... and Brett.  Complete with freckles.

We were also all forced to comply to a behavior chart at home, just as he was at school.  He made this completely by himself.

I had no idea he had become a redhead by the end of last school year.  He changes completely... goes from dark hair and light skin to light hair and dark skin every summer.  Don't worry, I didn't pay MONEY for these.  I just stole the proofs.  Wow, that is SO unethical of a photographer.  But, they didn't ask me for them, so whatever.  I'm KEEPING THEM.

And hers.

Her coloring has come a REALLY long way... even further this summer but I didn't take any pics of her recent stuff.  She is very into the details, and using many colors, and staying inside the lines now.  I LOVE watching her color, and her patience that has come with it.

Evan's coloring has come a long way, too.  But Madalyn about has him beat out now with staying inside the lines.  I'm just happy they can do that at all considering I am so fine-motor-challenged.

Madalyn would come home with a paper like this,

or this...

or this...

Or this.  And I would be all 'you know how to do this??'  Because she SO wouldn't act able if I were the one showing her.  That's why it's good someone else is.  Then we can just play and be silly together.  It's better that way.  (Don't you like her mini-pattern on the pattern... I was amused by that.)

This was my favorite thing she brought home all year.  I don't know why.  Maybe because she doesn't know any Joshua's and I have no idea where she got that name.  Or maybe it's her drawing of the giraffe.  Or that she said a giraffe was most decidedly her favorite animal.  I don't know.  I just like it.

She brought home this cross she had made during free coloring time.  I thought the sticker choice was very appropriate to the picture.

And she has her name down pretty well.  Sometimes she writes it perfectly, sometimes she leaves out the "l".  Why she leaves the easiest letter out, I have no idea.  I think it's cute she started writing it by herself next to the one she was asked to trace... she decided to go above and beyond, take the extra mile.  That's encouraging... considering a year ago she spent all of clean-up time in time-out for not cleaning.

But almost better than the actual work they brought home, were the cards and handmade gifts:

It kind of surprised me about myself to find out that I could tear up over something the teacher printed out that my child never actually thought or said... what in the ??? 

But even better than the ones that come home from school, are the ones that come from their bedroom, without prompting:

Evan drew this of Jack and wrote the words.  I found it later and said, "who is this a picture of?" 

"Jack."

A placemat Evan made me, all on his own.  He made one for everyone in the family.

Shew!  If you got this far, you are SOME kind of wonderful.  Thanks for hanging in there with me, doing life with me.  Thanks for visiting the McDonnell Art Gallery.  Now, take a few deep breaths and move along to another blog... and I assure you, you don't have to do the art work again for another year.

Labels: bittersweet, Evan, kids art, Madalyn, milestones, nostalgia, phases, pics, school, school work

It has been an emotional few days.  To say the least.  And I feel like I just wrote this yesterday.

It started with a letter from his teacher.  It was sweet and all, but nothing in it made me cry- it was just the sight of it.  The fact that I was opening a letter from his kindergarten teacher.  I had the same experience when I looked at the cafeteria menu.  The tension built on this night when we went to his Open House.  These were taken with my camera phone because I forgot my camera.  Thank goodness for technology or I might've missed these confused scowls and this balding parking lot.  Phew.

But the reason I took these are because of his backpack.  LOOK at that backpack on him.  That is nothing big or fancy, it's a standard sized backpack from Target.

He's the oldest in his class, and the smallest.  This is his fake smile at its best.

We had to clear up that he would not be teaching the class.  Just kidding.  He knew that.  He just liked the teacher's chair.  It gave him an ego trip.

This is his desk, front and center.  Actually, no.  Just center and center.  He is in the middle of the middle row.  Perfect for someone who has trouble paying attention and likes to make his own way.  I'm just saying.  If I knew a certain 5 year old who was like that.

His teacher told him his number should be easy to remember because it rhymed with his name.  He liked that.  He found that to be very thoughtful of her.

These are the frantic parents, desperately trying to figure out how to fit entire packs of pencils, markers, and crayons in one supply box as though they were being timed.

This is Shaun making a weird face and Jack laughing because Shaun's making a weird face.

This is what "Little Shaun" did.  That's a cookie in his hand.  He licked the icing out and handed us the rest- all done.  He did that with about 6 cookies.  What?  Who cares, it kept him quiet.

This is Madalyn on the way to get ice cream afterwards.  She is demonstrating how NOT to wear your seatbelt straps.  

So all was fine and we felt good about things.  Especially Evan.  He spent his weekend counting down the minutes until he would go.  This morning he woke up at about 5:45 and came in our room talking to himself, "today I get to go."  He was so excited reminding us of this that his whole body would clench and his voice would get shaky whenever he got to the name of his school... "today I get to go to..." shake, clench, voice cracks...      

It was funny to look back on my preschool post because he was excited about the playground then, and still excited about yet another new playground this morning.  This is what he looked like at about 7:20 this morning, when the whole family took him to school to walk him in and drop him off...

But let's back up a minute.  To last night, when I had a complete and total nervous breakdown.  And I didn't even see it comin'! 

I had had a nap Sunday afternoon, so I was wide awake when we were trying to fall asleep that night.  I feel sad.  I feel lonely.  I feel nostalgic.  Why can't I shake that feeling?  I said to Shaun.  I can usually pull myself out of the funk or ask Someone else to pull me out, but I can't seem to shake it.

Well, sending your firstborn to kindergarten is a big deal.

It hadn't even occurred to me that perhaps that was the trigger.  As soon as the sentence left his mouth, though, I was bawling.  Not tearing up, not sniffling, BAWLING. 

And that was the way I fell asleep; remembering that scene from Father of the Bride when he replays all his daughters milestones leading up to that day while Today I Met the Boy I'm Going to Marry serenades all his nostalgic emotions.  I mean, talk about NOT helping.  I was picturing his wedding day, I was re-living his birth and his toddlerhood.  I was a WRECK.  A complete and total MESS.  A mell of a hess, and seriously concerned about whether I would ever survive graduation... college... marriage... menopause... 

Because it's all about me.

Actually, that was what snapped me out of it this morning.  When I realized it wasn't about me and I was fixating on my emotions and not his. 

As I watched him in all his excitement, rush to his desk, go through his school supplies again, observe the other students and start following suit... I realized he would be just fine. 

Fake smile and all.

And if he was fine, I could be fine, too.

(Gosh, though.  I still can't look at these right here without tearing up again.) 

It's not that he's in school and I will miss him during the day, per say. 

It's that he's gotten SO BIG.  He is so big.

And he is so kind-hearted.  He is so naive and pure.  Not in a cheesy way, in a wholesome, refreshing way.  I know that sounds biased, but mother or not, I am insisting, he's just a good kid- a good person.  And I am better for knowing him.

So we left him, were the last parents in the room, (yes, my teacher-friends, we were those parents,) and went to a boo hoo brunch.  Then we said bye to daddy.  When we drove away from campus Madalyn said to me, "I'm sad, mommy.  I miss Evan."

"Me, too, baby," I said.

Then we pulled ourselves together and went to Target, where we ran into two other moms we had just seen.  Ahh, Target.  The meeting grounds for moms everywhere.  It's like the modern day choice prairie for hunting and gathering. 

Then we had Madalyn's preschool Open House- this is her in her spot at the table.

I can't believe I have to take her to Kindergarten next year!  AHHH.  One thing at a time.

This is her with Ms. Jan and Mrs. Larra.  Below is Mrs. Christine.  Jan and Christine were Evan's teachers last year and Larra is the director of the preschool.  I have come to really appreciate these people!  They have been true blessings. 

Evan told Madalyn earlier in the weekend, "Madalyn, you're really going to like Ms. Jan, you know why?  Because she has your favorite kind of hair.  It's light white and curly.  Like wavy.  Isn't that your favorite kind of hair?"

Madalyn nodded emphatically like she had certainly shared this preference with him before.

Now, Madalyn had seen them before, nearly every day when we picked up Evan.  She talked Mrs. Christine's EAR OFF.  Mrs. Christine was most charmed by her, and went out of her way to engage her.  She loved Madalyn's view on fashion and why she chose this particular outfit this particular day and all the things she was thinking about in that moment.  I'm sure they will enjoy each other this year, especially seeing as how the class dropped from like 12 students last year when Evan was in it, to FIVE this year, including Madalyn.  Which is awesome because they will get lots of one and one.  There are four girls- she knows them all from last year- and one boy.  Poor boy.

This is not him.  This is her first love (well, after her daddy and Evan and Jack.)  Meet Andrew.

I believe I wrote about him long ago, here.

Madalyn and Andrew have a special thing.  They get downright giddy and flirty around each other.  They dream about each other, actual dreams, yes.  And they have asked to go on dates.  Madalyn asked just this weekend, "Can I go to a restaurant sometime?  At night?  With Andrew?"  You should SEE the eyes she makes at this boy.  I am glad she picked a good one.  Yes, maybe we should be concerned... but his parents are golden, so instead we are taking pictures and planning their wedding slideshow.  Very appropriate of us, I think. 

Don't you just love what his shirt says?  HA!

So after she had a moment with the Big Man on Campus, we headed to Chuck E Cheese with her little girlfriends in her class.  It was really fun for her, and for me to get to know their moms better, even though I saw them all year last year.

Before we knew it we were headed back to get Evan.

When he got in the car he teased me and pretended like he wasn't going to tell me anything about his day.

But I already knew a little because we had arrived early enough to see him not come off the playground when his teacher called and she didn't notice and almost left him!  I bit my lip and waited to try and not interfere.  He finally realized and ran over to the gate and said, "hey!"  And she spun around and I could tell- felt terrible- KNOWING I was watching.  THEN she did a head count.  She won't make that mistake again.

Neither will Goofy Grin.  I hope.

So, when he finally quit teasing me, the first two things he told me- and everyone else who called him to chat about his day later that afternoon- were that his teacher almost left him on the playground, and that there was a girl in his class named, Charlie, and wasn't that ridiculous because that was a boys' name!

And then I tickle-tortured him till he told me more. 

And that was one therapeutic tickle session.  Boy, was I glad to see him.      

It was all pretty anti-climatic, though, as Hurricane Fey has put a big cancellation cloud over tomorrow.  It's like we're on a Monopoly board.  Stop, Go, stop! Can we just get these new changes going, already?  Because I think everyone is going to have a great year.

Labels: bittersweet, boys will be boys, dumbhead parenting, Evan, Madalyn, milestones, nostalgia, parenthood, parenting, pics, school, siblings