I am trying to leave town today and IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE MY HOUSE.  The wretched state it's in.  The clothes to fold and the toys to pick up, the dishes to load... but all of that fades in comparison to the excitement I feel this morning for my friends!  (More on that in a minute,) but I feel compelled to share with you what God has done. 

You see, often I think of the verse right here to the right of this paragraph... and I wonder how much I am telling the next generation of the things He's done, and how much more am I telling more about WHO He's made and is making...  And that's fine and good, as well.  But I don't want to neglect to say that HE IS weaving this tapestry of faith throughout my life built on His great deeds and wonders alone, (and not only my life, but in the lives of those around me.)  At times- most of the time- this faith He's building in me feels very fragile.  Like one more disappointment from life might make it snap in two, but when He adds another stitch to it, it's like He doesn't just add one stitch but a whole new color that I didn't even know existed.  It's enough to make me wonder why I ever felt weak? 

Maybe faith comes easier to some...  some of you know my back-story, some don't... but my heart has been broken, no shattered.  And not once, but repeatedly, by and for an authority figure in my life, (and ultimately, by God, who I believe is in control of all things.)  This causes a stumbling block of distrust for me.  Like Kelly Clarkson says in her song Because of You, "I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me- because of you, I am afraid...."  (and I can't tell you how much every word of this song resonates with the grieving part of me,) but there is also a greater part of me, the Spirit, who says He has not left me alone as an orphan, Who says He loves me enough to shatter the strongholds I built up as shelters self-defense and now worship, Who says He will smash all of my idols to the ground- even if it hurts- and woo me into the desert to speak Love over me and heal my wounds.

So what happened, already, that has my lips singing His praises this particular morning?  Well I'm sorry to say, but I have to give you just a little more back-story before I tell you.  (Or it won't mean as much.) 

These disappointments life can throw seem to come at me from every angle, not just directly, but through the blows I watch friends take.  When I was married, I came home from my honeymoon to hear that one of my bridesmaids and her mother had been in a horrible car accident and her mother was killed, and my sweet friend was severely injured.  I can't tell you how my heart sunk when my own, direct wounds, were so freshly cut, it seemed too much to bear, to think God would let things get so (seemingly) out of control.  About a year after that, another close friend lost her fiance in a skiing accident... she didn't lose his life but his presence as he sank into a coma... (that friend is Sarah Kay, who just visited us, who has now gone on to marry another Godly man and have a precious child who I just posted pictures of last week or so, Sophia, and publish a book... are you still with me?  This is confusing, I know.) 

Well, at the time of the skiing accident, it was just another twist of the knife in my already bleeding heart.  I think my internal reaction may have even started to take on a numbness, well, this really isn't surprising because when does God come through for anyone, protect us from hurting like He should?  (As if He ever promised that.) 

About two years or so after that tragedy,  Shaun and I lost his best friend, AJ Buffington, in a car accident who left behind a 20 year old widow and a 3 month old firstborn son. 

It was unending.  I was angry this time.  VERY angry.  More often than not, God was failing me- no US- His followers!

Now here is where I have to fast-forward, which I hate to do because a lot has happened since then that I really need to tell sometime, too, because it is the redemptive side of it all for me... (the journey to healing and a raw, real relationship with Jesus that I am still on/in now.)  But today, the reason I give you this little bit of the back-story, is to show the way I feel knit to each of these people I've "shared tragedy" with.  I feel I have carried their burdens (not necessarily willingly, but rather, because they were appointed for me to carry,) and as my bridesmaid, Katie, mentioned, "it's like a broken part of me is knit to a broken part of you."

It is therefore, especially exciting to me to discover God in the desert with these sisters, side by side.  Okay, so here is the part where I reveal the good (and now over-hyped for you, though not to me,) news... 

This part of the story starts with the fact that Wednesday, when it was my morning to pray (with the girls I've previously  mentioned in other posts, who I pray with through email every morning,) I asked God- on a whim, and feeling like he was my dad and why couldn't I ask Him something, who cared if His answer was no, I might as well ask- that He bring Nate Ndjerareou his green card by the end of the week. (He has been awaiting his green card for SIX years, at least.)  It was not a demand, or me testing God, it was just a simple request and nothing complicated- and I didn't think I would feel disappointed if He didn't do it, but I knew He could if it so pleased Him. 

Before I sent the prayer, I got to thinking that maybe that wasn't even a realistic request- I wasn't sure of the whole process and what step they were on in the thick of it- so maybe I should ask God by the beginning of summer- the first day of June instead.  I erased the original request and did just that.

Then last night, when I was having a long phone conversation with Katie, ("bridesmaid" mentioned above, now married herself and close to having her doctorate.) We were sharing the holy wrestle experience, so to speak... over prayer- what it is, what is it not, and does God hear us and respond- are we to ask things of Him, to expect Him to provide in such a casual manner. It was just a raw chat (if anything raw can be called a "chat") and we wrapped it up around 11 or 11:30 because we needed sleep- (she had an early flight this morning and I am leaving town today...)

About 15 seconds after we hung up, I walked into the bedroom and Shaun announced that he had just received a text message from Nate Ndjerareou and HE GOT THE GREEN CARD! Praise the Lord and Hallelujah! 

How the Lord must have chuckled as I backspaced over "the end of this week" Wednesday, and replaced it with "the first day of June."  How he must've smiled! 

And now, I can't help but think He's showing off. 

I don't mean to sound like cheesy love poetry here, but- how this makes my heart love Him; that He is tender enough to restore my faith and heal my wounds step by step... piece by piece... moment by moment and day by day. When He does something like this, I get the strong sense that He knew all along where He was taking me and we were on course all along, even though all I could see was the fog of life. Glory!

PS- I apologize for any typos and the unorganized manner of this, but I have no time to proof it, so here I go posting it...